The experience when

my intuition snitched on the unviers.e

Tuesday, August 14, 2019

A surge of emotions comes and goes, in between holding on and letting go. Little things come to me, wanting me to revisit and reflect. Tear by tear, it is easier to let go. What goes on in my mind, nobody would ever want to know. I find myself looking at people, wanting to see them when I used to fear that they would see me. Sometimes, I still fear that someone will. I find myself truly happy for the love I’ve let go, that they have found a free-flowing love. I find myself too wanting a love like that, almost putting my guard down. I’ve caught myself smiling at the little things that someone ‘in love’ would smile at. I don’t think that’s a possibility for me yet. I have so much to heal from still, so much to learn about the type of love I deserve. How can I love someone without those essential tools? Since childhood, I have been alone in my thoughts, separate from the world. At times I feel hopeless, as the world would be better or with no change without me. Then it occurs to me that I have the purest love, that I embody the purest love and that is the love of my two children. I can do no wrong in their eyes and boy, do I try. It is not their job to learn to navigate this world without me, I owe them the world.

Just because I go at my battles alone each round doesn’t mean that they suffer through the rummage. It is up to me to win every war for them despite losing battles at times. I can’t let them see the tears from the wounds that have been inflicted upon me, because of their sweet innocence. I have committed to making them the basis of every decision, and every decision must be the best for them. They must never know or feel responsible for how much my heart aches the time I am without them. A lot of the ways I feel may make me a ‘victim’ in others’ eyes and I’ve decided long ago to be that no longer. This world seems committed to misunderstanding me and in some ways, I am committed to their misunderstanding as well. That is also the easy way. It seems the more people understand me, the more they try to change me. That is the foundation of reasons why I keep people mostly on the outside. On the outside, one would never know the pain that consumes me. Letting too much of that pain out shows others that there is pain there. The alternative is isolation. Longing to be misunderstood only means that I must be gone from this world, therefore I truly shouldn’t worry about being understood at all.

7 OCT 2018

Saturday, Sunday—whatever

How did I become this? This sweet, sad little soul. Will anyone try to save me? Will I save myself? I should save myself, but I have a hard time giving into my own weaknesses. I am so tired of putting myself in situations in which I need saving from. I’ve never been sadder and lonelier in my life. Maybe I have. Maybe it’s just what I’ve always deserved. I don’t think I am meant to be loved. Nobody can ever love me. They think they like me but never follow through with truly, madly loving me. God, please help me. God, please be with me. The pain is too much to bear. Only when I’m gone will any person understand me. The only way I can heal others like me is to move on and leave my words behind. Everything hurts, I hurt so bad. God, please be with me, someone be with me.

24 JAN 2019

Thursday

So many realizations have been downloaded. The big picture of that being, perhaps I should truly go where I am not only loved but celebrated endlessly. I have felt so tolerated all my life. I can’t allow anyone to make me feel anything less than the powerful and magical human that I am. ******** came back into my life. He knew the right things to say and do. I was torn between this being true love or this being an old situation that has now resurfaced. I did debate. I always secretly hoped that if I kept the box of love I grew for you, you would return for it in exchange for your own love. When you did return, I know I took that risk. I don’t regret it at all. I had to learn, and now I can forget the lesson.

The lesson that there is someone out there just for me, that you, ****** are blocking my view of; that I’ve romanticized something that will never be my reality. That I’m falling out of love with the person you pretend to be to me. I hope you don’t come looking for the old me.

4 FEB 2019

Where do I go from here? Do I wait to see if I’m going to get what I’ve wanted? And for how long do I wait? I’ve not quite been 100% with my boundaries, but when will I? What kind of relationship do I want? Because that is the relationship I should be manifesting. That way, whether anything changes with that situation doesn’t matter if I’m actively working on what I am seeking.

I appreciate the time out from life I was able to take this past weekend. A lot of feelings were met and that honestly feels good. Today was the perfect day for being blessed and thankful. I have the most beautiful life—home, children, job, etc. I am feeling so excited to wake up every day.

Of course, I do want to accomplish a lot this year so I will need the mental space to do that. I plan to do more dancing and less worrying about things—how they are or will be. I love dancing. The balance between maintaining and losing control yet. Yet I can’t help but wonder if the plans from before still stand…

What a day. I am having a really hard time with all these circumstances. I know what I need to do but of course the selfish part of me needs that physical explanation or closure even though it all means nothing…

If ***** wanted to be with me, I wouldn’t keep begging for a sigh. If *** were truly trying to get to know me and all that jazz—he would know we’re already only friends. Unless you’re about to stop, drop and romanticize me, we are only friends, and I don’t care who ya are.

I’m going to be completely fine to carry on—ivel iked amazing parts of my life without any of them, sadly, I would have risked it all for **** it’s just not like it used to be, I wish it was… ❤

…Protecting my space…

…distractions, distractions, distractions from my goals. Roll with me or get rolled over… and let’s be honest, nobody is rolling with me. That’s one of my least favorite things about not being married to Ethan… he always had my back and was around, there for me… I do believe he cares for me, that was my safe space that I can’t really see seeking refuge at anymore.

I’m still looking back at ten years of marriage. All the good times, the bad and real times, pretty much all the adult times of my life. It was for a purpose, and I just want him to be happy, I will however always miss the feeling of being cared for, loved, caressed… just to know that someone was thinking of you.

It wasn’t as glorious as it seems but it’s what I miss. I also miss being missed. I miss my one person, who understands me somehow. Even when I lie to myself and convince myself otherwise. Why didn’t that love ever thrive? Is there any love for me out there? I am masking the parts of my soul that are gravely wounded by past traumas, heartaches and injustices. I am merely surviving. I haven’t made it to the part where the things within and around me thrive. I am on my way.

8 FEB 2019

YouTube recommends videos to me, which is very sweet. I feel I shouldn’t complain about a thing. I did think about it though… I don’t like the frequent state of wonder or curiosity about if “this is that” or not. If I am questioning it, I am probably right. I wonder what I must do to meet someone who helps me untangle my mind sometimes. I’ve romanticized someone I don’t even think is sure about me. I wish I was sure about someone besides him. I adore him and I don’t know what to do from here, except take a nap.

11 FEB 2019

Here come the emotions…. It is so crazy. I know exactly what I need to do, I have had this “knowing” … yet I haven’t done anything. I am now at the point of a breakdown, as I reflect and see how this whole thing played out— I know it’s played out because I can’t avoid the lesson my soul took on. It’s over, damnit it is over. More heartache, more loneliness. I know this is for my greater good. I’ve tried so hard to fight this. God, why? Is this why I couldn’t let go before? Just so I could cut my own hands trying to rearrange the pieces… only to find out that none of them fit. I want to scream and cry. This whole thing has truly gotten the best of me this past week. I will not settle for less. I won’t. I freaking love you but I must stay away from you. The only difference in my words is that this time, I won’t return. I will fuel my anger and hate with the fact that this is becoming a cycle. Just never mind! You are just like the guys you said you weren’t, just like every other guy for me. You got what you wanted out of me and then you disappeared… I never want to see you again. You can forget me like you do every night when you close your sweet blue eyes to rest. You bring out the very worst in me, the ‘me’ I’ve worked so hard to not be. I am still her, I’m just more aware. Aware of how desperate I’ve been. Reading up until the point I chased you back into my life, things have been so good! I’ve been the most me I’ve ever been. I need this lesson. I need to know every way there is to know to love a man who is going to do the very same for me. I won’t question his intentions. He won’t keep me guessing. He will love me and romance me in ways that sexual intimacy could never compare.

20 MAR 2019

Things were great between ***** and I. I am the one who let whatever come between whatever we had going on and it’s not fair for me to continue to pursue that. That clearly something that was working for me to some degree… I did try though, and I feel fine to continue. I am a bit scared to open up to ***** but I am dying to pour so much love into him in other manners. I’m going to get back to what I was seeking prior, which I always seem to truly know deep down.

18 MAR 2019

I can physically and spiritually feel exactly when something changes or becomes different. I measure this in energy. I can’t help but go back to the way I was before and I can feel it within me; so unsure, anxious and even ashamed. I wish I would have sat down and told you all the things I needed you to know about me in order to truly understand me. Maybe then, things like this wouldn’t happen. It is not even so much the lack of interaction at all. It is the undeniable fact that something has changed energetically. The reason why being myself. Yet, I am avoiding this and going on as if I don’t know. I don’t know what to say at this point. I live and hide under this shell I’ve pretended to allow you to get close to. It’s me, I never allow myself the space to just step back.

Text message received 3/18/2019 at 2:39 PM: “as someone who has always been “wanted” their whole life by people, how have you learned what’s real and what’s not? Like when someone intends on truly loving you?”

19 MAR 2019— 20 MAR 2019 because it is 3 AM.

And I am up… thinking about you. I can’t help but recognize that I am in the same place you usually leave me. Originally, I bring it to my awareness that I am to blame. I should take the blame. I told you there is a lot to know about me to understand and love me. Trying to skip around that has proved to be messy. You’re a little messy too, if I had to guess. I’m always guessing when it comes to you. Maybe now, I am fine with that. Never knowing what to expect is what I used to survive on. It doesn’t excite me anymore. I do have a lot of other things I need to do. Things are always sweet, add a little warmer weather and sunshine. It is going to be a good spring and summer time.

23 MAR 2019

I am so dramatic. I need to chill.

3 APR 2019

I’m wondering why my mind is taking me places… if this is normal or if I am ignoring my own desires and needs. It’s so hard for me to express those needs and desires. I’ve always felt guilty about having my needs expressed/met, as if I am undeserving. On the other hand, I feel that I’ve expressed general things about myself that are vital to my mental well-being, yet here I am. I often wonder what is truly good for me at this point. Maybe I’m not ready to be loved. Or maybe I shouldn’t love people who make me feel like I am asking for too much.

7 APR 2019

Sunday Night

A lot of my healing has been on hold, and I haven’t even realized this. I’ve been content with where I am but now, I can see i am more stuck in my trauma than ever before, only now I have someone who probably can’t understand the pain I hold inside since before I was even writing my own name. I want him to understand, but what would that help? In the end, I am the only one who can fix this, and I feel the more vulnerable I am, the more I push him away.

Also, the more vulnerable I am, the more I push back. Pushing back is my way of making people come for me, and when they don’t, I’ve set up a trap of validation that I am not worthy. Right now, I have so much love for him, so much love to give him that any lag insecurity feels like abandonment. I desperately need security right now. I hate how disordered that thinking/behavior pattern is, which makes me want to forfeit any way because nobody wants to, or even deserves to deal with someone like me.

19 APR 2019

(I wrote a poem for our car ride.)

Added sometime in 2020: me and you, driving to Louisville. Something wasn’t right. It was her. It was always her. I’ll never forget how much my love grew for you despite not knowing at the time that none of your love was for me… it was always her.

15 JUL 2019

I am so tired of explaining why I am tired. I’m so tired from explaining things that no words could ever fix, so what’s the point? Why do I have to beg to have what I know I deserve? I know that I can so easily give it to myself. Or perhaps another would give it so freely…

The nights play in my mind. The nights I laid awake, afraid of the noises, crying and never understanding where I stood… those nights feel like torture to my heart and soul. To want someone so badly only made the wait worth it when you told me I could have you. I still didn’t, and I didn’t even know it. Until I did. Now everything from the past year makes sense. I deserve so much more than to be a secret, to be hidden. I deserve to wake up every day and dance to love songs and know that they are true, not hear a song and instantly feel ill, then must delete it because you gave that song to someone else while you told me I was waiting for us to be “us.” I can never express what I truly deserve because I will feel it when it happens. Looking back at my uncertainty and confusion angers me to my ever-loving core, knowing that I was the option; that the person I was so desperate to be with was with somebody else while assuring me we were working on “becoming us,” the person who led me on, the sadness, the desperation… it all angers me. How can I continue to love someone who makes me question my worth and why I wasn’t enough daily? Someone who claims to love me so much, thinking that I should deal with the pain that they have caused. No words or actions can replace the way I have felt the past year. No lies or truths can replace the betrayal that my mind, body and soul has endured. I know in my heart that someone will effortlessly give me those things. They will come when I need them, and they will stay. They won’t string me along. They won’t lie. I will know it’s for me by the way it feels. It will feel so real, nothing about it will feel bad. I won’t question everything on a regular basis, or ever.

23 JUL 2019

Can I ever look past the fact that you looked past me? Can I ever look past what I know is the truth? I could try, and just about every ounce of me has. I don’t know that I can ever look past the fact that you looked past me to look at her the same way you look at me. The fact I’ve poured my heart out to you so many times, yet you act like I never did. The truth is that I can’t make myself believe that I’m the one you want. I’m the one who was convenient. The fact that I laid in bed so many nights, just waiting for you to call or text back. Days would go by sometimes before I’d hear from you… yet I’d be there when you finally decided to, every time. I never imagined that the broken pieces of my heart could be broken down into tinier pieces. I never thought you’d be the one responsible for this pain. As much as I love you, the pain will always be sure to follow. Now I must look past what was.

22 AUG 2019

Last week I decided to stop caring about what others have done to me and only care about what I do to others. I fail at this a lot. Surprisingly, I am always willing to start over as well. I fail by eating too much or not at all, by drinking too much, by letting my impulses win, by hurting myself and pushing people away… and I don’t want to be like that anymore. I don’t want to hurt myself because others have hurt me. I don’t like the person I’ve worked so hard not to be.

27 AUG 2019

I don’t want to escape my pain—I want to understand it, which wouldn’t make sense to anyone if they saw what pain looked like on me. I didn’t start cutting as a kid until bad shit happened. I could cut, have poor hygiene and excessively eat, all just to be undesirable to all males if possible. I don’t even know when being sexually victimized started… 3? I am remembering more and more. It is quite terrifying if I keep it real. I wish for everyone to have awareness and use their power to grab this control of their life that I am currently experiencing. I guess you could say that I am thankful to be in such misery at the time. Then I find myself here, needing to start over. But I mean this in a good way. I need to learn to trust myself enough to trust the right people and do what feels good for my life. Everything else has proven to be nonsense, stagnant even. I want to go back to the girl who is happy in the AM, puts glitter on her eyes and drives carefully. Back to 4/10/2019… the last time I curled my hair, and everyone noticed, except him…

7 SEP 2019

Healing and hurting, hand in hand. That journey is not linear for me, and often flooded with enough challenges that make me want to give up. But life is beautiful, experiences lace your path with color and people, they are the ones that make living worthwhile. I am also learning that I don’t need everything figured out. I need to examine my own timescale rather than focus on what other people are doing with their lives. I need to measure my growth and progress in relation to my previous experiences and struggles instead of the success of others. Everyone’s journey is different and its only when you appreciate this difference that you can absorb everything that your life brings you. I need to focus on me. I am learning that I must direct all the energy towards my mind and soul with the hope that it will allow my magic to truly form. I am learning that I will continue to learn today, tomorrow and the days that are to follow. I have experiences that will break me, and bring me joy, and enlighten me in new ways. I will keep learning until I feel stronger, wiser and more whole. Even then, I will continue learning because there is so much

13 SEP 2019

Friday

So many seasons have come and went since last year. The regular number of seasons… yet I am still trapped in that same darkness, worse than ever before. As much as I was hurting last year, at least I knew who I was and had clear boundaries about that person and who I wanted to grow to be. This year, not so much. This year I’m lost, in everything, all the time. I don’t know who I’ve let myself become. I’m not the person I was working on becoming. I ignored the vibrations of my soul and now I’m forced to learn lessons that have left me in pieces. But isn’t that the point? I thought I had already mastered this one…

I am made up of pages of people and thing that they will never understand. Of feelings and thoughts that I can’t always comprehend. Of heartbreak and worries that I couldn’t control. In every effort to feel and to understand, somehow, I can’t do either. How did I get to this place that lacks freedom and authenticity to myself? How will I get out?

Will I ever know a life where I can distinguish fear and intuition again? I used to know so much better and now all I know is that I don’t know… yes like the Taylor Swift song. I can’t fight what my body is telling me, ands to be with him means I must. It means allowing him to talk myself out of feelings that I know to be true as he has before. I’ll never really know who he is. The only person I know him to be is the person he’s shown me he is capable of being a liar, a cheater, a heartbreaker. The fact that I haven’t felt truly alive and free in months should be an indication that I am not being true to myself, and I’ll never believe he is being true to me.

How did I ever end up everywhere I’ve worked so hard not to be? How do I sleep next to someone who can look me in my face and lie to me and with that same mouth claim that they love me? I’m so sick of hearing “I’m sorry”. I’m so sick of trying. I’m so sick of being talked to like I’ve done anything to deserve any of this. I’m so sick of being responsible for the pain I didn’t cause. The only thing I did was the thing that I knew better than to do, to love you. I opened up to you, I told you all the horrible things that make me who I am, and you still chose to put me through each of them all over. Even after I chose to stay, you still make me feel worthless with your lies, not letting me say “no” about anything in my life—my body, and your constant invalidation of my feelings that you created. You’ve made every inch of my beautiful life full and grey; you make me question who I am. You make me hate everything I once deeply adored.

16 OCT 2019

The leaves changing colors has again reminded me of the things I cannot change. Also reminds me of the pain from the last fall, and how that pain is still there; dull and the same. Between holding on and letting go, I want to let it all just fade. So many nights just me and my heartache, all the times I wish he had stayed. How do I continue to love you when you’ve only ever thrown my love away? You say I mean so much to you, but I never meant a thing. Love isn’t about how much pain I can take but how much peace that you can bring. The thoughts are so loud in my head that hardly ever hear my heart sing anymore. Everything in me tells me that I’m a danger with you. You want to love me, and I want that too. Loving me was obviously something you could never do. I want to be strong enough to escape the hell of you.

28 OCT 2019

I will die being starved for honesty.  But I will never end my starvation with lies.

I’ve always been so flighty as to whether to hang onto you or free myself.

27 NOV 2019

I feel less worried for now. I feel happy more often. It doesn’t always last long, but what more is there? How do I get back to just being me—the me that was free and fearless, that didn’t worry or battle with insecurities. That is the me I am seeking. That is the me I was working endlessly and hopelessly to reveal.

18 DEC 2019

If I could truly tell you the things I keep inside, I might. I wouldn’t know where to start, how do I make you feel the break in my heart? Part of me knows it’s not possible try to let it mend and then its torn again by fear. My heart has always desired you now my mind keeps reminding me of what’s true; for so long I wasn’t the only one for you. I can’t stop thinking about the nights I cried, wishing you were there. Nights turned into days, every one of them all about the same. All of them without you. The pain of not being good enough, that you maybe didn’t love me the way I loved you. Do you wish it was her that you spend your mornings with? Was it ever me you wanted to be with? I can’t get it out of my head if you were thinking of her while you were with me? Making love?

2 JAN 2020

From last year to this year, so much about me has changed. I struggle to find peace or any space for healing. The things that used to excite me no longer do. The longing, unrelenting desire often does not exist. My passions and inspirations exist but lie dormant. I crave a relationship that truly brings out the best in me. One that doesn’t make me feel inadequate, second-best, or anxious. One where everyday is exciting. The troubled times would only simply be challenges, never deep-rooted fears and insecurities.

7 JAN 2020

Not sure how to feel. Anger is easy, brokenness hurts, its sharp, cutting pain. Being numb is only temporary. How do I go back? How do I go back to a year ago when I truly knew better? Why did I think the pain would stop? I was right all along. Everything aches make to my core. I’m weak and I can’t pretend that I’m strong. I’m weaker and more broken than ever.

13 JAN 2020

And just like that, I’m back to my emptiness, my ever-wandering curiosity. It is a huge price to pay and after so long I wonder if its even worth it. Is my worth… worth it? How do I get that back when it only leaves to make room to love him? On top of the incessant wondering if he will ever honestly and truly open up to me. I do have good days and then I have really bad and painful days. Why do I have to work so hard to be in this relationship? Shouldn’t love just to be… just be? Effortlessly.

31 JAN 2020

Right now, I’m okay. I have no thoughts to give away. Not going to use my despair for a reason to pray. Can’t place blame or accept when things don’t go my way. I go back to old and safe smells and the solitude I fight but know so well. A warm old smell with a desire to leave that impression on others, to grant them a safe space they may only find with a short escape to their mind. Life is magical and then again, no its not. Maybe I want to save people because that’s what saves me. To understand is a lifelong challenge, and don’t we all love a challenge? As badly as I want to be truly understood, I must create my own way to do that. Its not the end and I’m willing to be misunderstood until it is.                                    

5 MAR 2020

I’m running out of words to say and write. The fears I’ve developed from the reality of our relationship haunt me and I have much fewer “good days” than you even know of. I know when you call or text me over and over that you could have a guilty conscience and fear that I’ve discovered something. I also know this because you did it with ****. Then, I know that you only calling once and testing every few hours may mean that you’re occupied with someone else. I know that either way you will try to talk your way our of what my body knows and feels. About once a week at least I’m reminded that your eyes have never been only for me. I’m scared to lose you too I know how bad it hurts to love you so much but having to live day to day without you? I don’t want to know the pain of living without you because you never showed me you didn’t want to. I will never forget how it felt falling so softly in love with you. The night you told me you loved me, that it was real this time and that we could really be together, I’ll never forget that night. I learned so much about myself. How that kind of pure, true love ignites every cell in my body. I woke up every day feeling so complete, happy, wholesome. I had my doubts and then the person you are started infecting who I am. I haven’t felt like that at all, so in love and loved in return. Since that night at your apartment, I love that girl to you. And when I don’t have you, the reality of this person I have become will stare dead ass into my soul. I will be alone again, used, in pain and… without you but worse than ever.

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